Reflections

Two years ago I began a journey. I joined a group called the Disciples of Jesus and Mary. It is a "support" group of sorts to inspire and aid us in our life here on earth; to help us answer the question, "why did God create me?" and keep us accountable on that journey. My prayer formation (the first phase) has been long, often stagnat with all the vices I struggle with, all at once. Other times, I feel the Holy Spirit propelling me forward, like a part on a factory conveyor belt, slowly adding this part and that gear, getting me closer to the finished product that God designed.
I've had to deal with my past, learn from it, grow from it. I've had to pick it up and REALLY look at ALL of it--even the stuff I never wanted to look at again. Take it all apart and put it all back together with a whole new understanding. I had to look at it through God's eyes and understand that every event, every detail, every failure and every reward, has been providentially given to me as a gift...something for my benefit, to help me become the person I am and the person I am becoming.
I sometimes joke that God gave me seven kids so I wouldn't leave....how laughingly true this is at times. I had so much to learn! I remember when we had our fifth child, my kids finally stopped saying the word "only" when describing the amount of kids (i.e. we "only" have three kids) we had. I remember Stephen asking why we had six kids and I said, "because I apparently haven't learned what God wants me to learn with five!"
I wasn't always like this. I honestly never thought I would marry, nor have children. Raised in a progressive unchurched Democratic household, my two sisters and I saw my mother work, as well as my father, we also saw that marriage dissolve and a new stronger super MOM emerge. One who could "do it all." I used to joke with my husband that the reason I do everything is because that is how I was raised. Funny, that argument doesn't seem to last long--he isn't buying it anymore!
Paul and I have been married (almost) 18 years and I've known him for (almost) 22 and although we've had a long, rough patch, we are starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I've learned to "get out of the way" and let God form my husband and children. I've learned that no one can really be controlled, changed or influenced unless they want to be, and I am not the one to do it...only God. So when some idiot takes my parking space or races around to pass "the big van" only to slow down and turn in front of me, I no longer get angry (annoyed, yes). I can look at these situations and people and pray for them; understanding that they may be in an even bigger hurry than I. But mostly I think people race around so they don't have to look inward, they enjoy complacency. They don't want to move forward, becoming the creator's pride and joy because that would involve giving up something...themselves. For me, I see my journey is moving forward, detaching from the spirit of material attractions and attaching to the One True Heavenly attraction. Now, if these kids would just stop yanking me in all these other directions...ah, but they too are the instruments by which our Heavenly Father is using to sculpt me....I'm so special I require SEVEN!